


Wololo

by Used_To_Have_A_Sleep_Schedule



Category: Age of Empires (Video Games)
Genre: Funny, Gen, Light-Hearted
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:40:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24159022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Used_To_Have_A_Sleep_Schedule/pseuds/Used_To_Have_A_Sleep_Schedule
Summary: Juan, Dose, and Tracey are the first three villagers to start building New Spainland. But what will happen as they discover...they aren't the only ones on the planet





	1. Chapter 1

I’m just a simple villager. I worked as a logger for a bit before we found our gold—well what we called our gold, which was right before all the fighting. But I’m getting ahead of myself. My name is Juan. I’ve been tasked with recapping you with everything that’s happened in…Whatever cruel game of life we’ve been playing. I’ve been around since the very beginning, part of the original three founders of New Spainland, they call me Juan. The other two are Tracey and Dose. Although many people quickly came after us we still remained in a few groups.

“fuck…this…work,” Grunted Dose.

She’d recently been transferred over from lamb herding to stone mining and was…less than thrilled.

“Eh, I don’t know. Look around!” Juan said.  
Juan swept his hand around them, taking in the emerald green grass, ready for them to organize and fertilize! Packing fruit and vegetables into neat little rows, forming the previously underfoot dirt into nutrient rich feasts for their crops. The wind rustled through their sunbaked rows of this season’s growth, then up to the mill’s sails. They constructed the mill in less than a day! And their creation danced behind them, casting conflicting shadows on the resolute scaffolding they'd set up for a few extra houses. The shadow of their completed production invigorating their efforts, almost bringing the rough timber to life with the excitement of being used.

Juan sucked in a deep breath of fresh air, “I just love how our society is built by our own hands.”

“That’s fine,” Dose huffed, “just let me stay with Lamby”

“God in heaven don’t tell me you started fuckin’ naming them,” said Tracey.

She was a little bit more of a… pessimist…when it came to theses—or any—things.

“No, I’m not calling THEM names I’m calling HER Lamby.”

“Well that’s fine because soon we’ll be calling her a new name, do you wanna know Dose?”

“Not even slightly Tracey”

“Dinner”

“Fuck your mother”

“Guys please!” Juan cut in, “We’re all working hard, but let’s not argue because of it.”

The rhythm of their picks against the limestone picked up where their conversational cadence lagged.

“It’s just I don’t think that you needed to have said that about Lamby”

“IM FUCKin—”

“Dose! Why don’t you take our stone back, thank you!” Juan held his load of rocks out to Dose, half-shoving Dos away from us. She squinted and started muttering something unpleasant towards us two.

We kept working for a bit in silence before Juan pipped up, “I mean, you’re welcome”

Tracey shot him a look, “For what?”

“Well I got her to leave.”

“Oh sure that was you. Right.”

He rolled my eyes, “Oh, don’t tell me you’re on that shit again”

“Listen, you can’t prove me wrong”

“Yes because we’re all just characters in some big book, right? Already destined to say what we say and do what we do”

“So there’s no reason to try and pretend like we can make decisions you’re exactly right” She nodded her at him with a sage grin


	2. 2.

Tracey and Juan were reassigned to berry picking, and Dose back to shepherding. He couldn’t get over how marvelous it was to be able to reach into something with such a spiny and tangled exterior and pull out these little dollops of fruit. He looked over and saw Tracey.

“How’s it going Tracey?”

“Same soup, reheated.”

There were a few beats of silence.

“Heard there’s going to be mutton for dinner.”

“cool.”

He smiled, “What’s your favorite color?”

“Colors are just ways to differentiate objects so having a favorite wouldn’t make sense. It’s like asking if I have a favorite flavor of air. Or style of water.”

“SSHEEIT” He had cut his hand on an especially prickly branch.

“What’s wrong”

“Well I was reach—”

“Juuuuuuuuuuuuust kidding I don’t give a fuck.”

He shook his head and threw all of his haul into a basket he made the other day.

“You have to open up to me one of these days Tracey,” and walked away.

“Fuckkkk off you boot gobbling gremlin” Tracey kept cursing under her breath as she was picking berries. Just because she’d been sent here doesn’t mean she had to be happy about it. And fuck Juan anyways.

“Having fun with Juan?” Dose had wandered over with her three sheep.

“I would be if he’d stop trying to “free me” or, “figure me out” or whatever.”

They looked at each other, and then at Juan’s bare torso.

“But he isn’t—”

“Yeah, There are worse things to look at”

They watched him disappear near the town hall. As soon as he came back out towards us there was commotion on other side of the hall, followed immediately by the town hall bell.

“The fuck”

“I don’t know but lets go.”

They dropped their shit and sprinted over to the town hall.

Inside they met up with Juan.

Tracey spoke up first, “Juan? What the fuck?”

“Oh good, you two are here,” he looked at our empty hands, “What, no resources?”

Dose jumped, “S-sorry! I just heard the bell and figured—”

Tracey jumped in, “Don’t fucking apologize to him Dose. Juan? Pull your head out of your ass the bell was rung, we’re here, what’s going on.”

“Well, sure I just think you could’ve thrown—” 

Tracey said, “What. Is. Going. On. Juanlian?” with flared eyes.

“Ok, so I sent out a scout to see if there’s anything around and…”

He paused

So Tracey continued, “…and?”

“And he’s all fucked up. And I have no idea why.”


	3. 3.

“uh, I don’t want to be mean,” squeaked Dose “b-but shouldn’t it be like. Easy to tell?”

Juan looked at her, “What do you mean?”

“W-well look at his…his…” She steeled herself but the words still came out at only a whisper, “the body”

“Jesus Christ Dose, he’s injured he isn’t dead,” said Tracey.

“Don’t jump all over her!” Juan shouted

Dose continued, “I just meant we could look at his wounds”

“Don’t be rude Dose, there’s no way even a accidental birth like Juan would over look that, right Juan?”

Tracey looked over, but Juan was pointed avoiding eye-contact and tapping his fingers against each other.

“Right Juan?” She repeated.

“Mmm? Oh, yes of course…wounds and…would you excuse me for a minute?” He started to step backwards towards a door.

“Juan you dumb cow queef”

While Juan and Tracey continued to argue betwixt themselves, Dose tiptoed through the doorway, and into the impromptu clinic. On the table a man was lying motionless. He had curly hair which fell to his chin, and the ghost of a mustache. His face was fairly standard. Two eyes, a fairly pointy nose, lips. A chin. His toned arms and quivering bare chest bore many tattoos of things that could or could not be important to him. A butterfly right below his sternum, two sparrows above his pecs, and on his shoulders a G and an A. On his right arm an eagle, his left arm a horrible child’s doodle of skulls, guitars, stars, roses, and mermaids. 

“Oh my god! You’re…”

He roused delicately. Looked up at her with slightly confused, but confident eyes.

“So ugly!”

His eyes crossed, and he fell unconscious again.

Dose peeked her head back out the door, “Hey guys, are you done?”

The two stopped arguing and glaring in unison at Dose, screamed, “WHAT”

Dose blinked several times and pulled back their heads, “HURTful first of all. Second, he woke up then passed out again.”

They stormed into the room, and took up one on each side of the body.

“Fuck he’s ugly,” said Tracey

“He just doesn’t look good in the, the face”

“Ladies! Please!” cried Juan “…he’s right here!” then muttered, “And we can inquire about whether his parents were siblings, or cousins later.”

They slowly looked over his body and decided which wound to examine first. He had bandages across his chest and legs, and one on his hand. They slowly undid the bandage across his thigh. There were deep jagged gouges, torn downwards through his flesh.

“Why’d they only go for his legs?” asked Tracey,

“I mean they FUCked up his horse too” said Juan

Dose was peeking through her fingers at the resting scout, “It looks like, like a CLAW wound”

Juan squirmed, “Damn…I was worried about that. Back when I first rounded up the lambs I found one all opened up. Where the poor thing was still intact I could see marks like these.”

They looked at the other two wounds with the same choppy edges as the first, but the third was a simple slash.

“Well doesn’t this just fuck our theory’s ass”

“Tracey _please_ can you refrain? At least leave every other word free from curses”

Tracey responded by sticking out her tongue and putting up two middle fingers.

“Well wait” Dose’s eyes focused, “This one is thin, tiny in comparison to the others, and looks mostly healed over,” she got really close to the cut and started poking around it, “see? It doesn’t even bleed when provoked.”

Tracey and Juan looked at each other puzzled at Dose’s new found iron stomach.

“Wait! This looks like,” Dose scrambled over the table and body, grabbing Juan’s pants,

“Ah! Dose? What the heck?!”

“Don’t start being coy with your body now! What was it, last week? When you were talking about being God’s gift to women?”

Juan scampered across the room.

“Juannn come on I just wanted to see the scrape you got the other day when Tracey threw her ax at you!” said Dose, still laying across the wounded scout.

Juan suspiciously turned around and lowered his pants down to just below his ass meat.

“Juan you’re flat as hell what the fuck”

“Shut up Tracey”

“Look! There! See?”

Dose beckoned Juan’s ass over to the table where she compared the two wounds and they looked almost exactly the same. Juan’s was a little less clean.

“So what does this mean?” Juan asked.

“Well maybe Tracey got angry and—”

“It **means** ,” Tracey cut Dose off, “That he was attacked. Which means there are,” They all spoke at once, “Others.”


	4. 4.

“I guess I knew there were others,” Juan scratched his head, “or at least other people have to be somewhere else, right?”

“Yeah…”Tracey cocked an eye brow and scratched her chin, “I guess I knew there were other people, but I didn’t know I knew…Ya’ know?”

“I know”

“no.”

“Know?”

“No, not know, no.”

“I know know, why not no?”

“No, I—”

“STOP” cried Dose, “just. Just stop.”

A silence befell them. Only hearing the pitter patter of the critters walking on the roof, and the lambs braying outside. Dose sucked in as if she had just realized something, and then lost balance and fell off the table face first, slamming into the ground.

“Ah! Dose!” said Tracey.

She hopped over to Dose’s crumpled form, helping her up to her feet.

“LAMBY”

“What?”

“Lamby!”

“You can’t just keep repeating words and expect us to know what you mean Dose,” Said Juan.

“When I first found Lamby I was out on a walk!”

There was another beat of silence. Tracey blinked a few times, “G-Great? Tracey are you alright?”

Dose smiled, “Yes, thank you for asking. What I mean is that when I first found Lamby I was out on—”

Juan, “A walk, I’ve heard”

Dose said annoyed, “—And she had a red colored collar. Don’t interrupt me. I took it off and put her beautiful blue one on, and she followed me back home.”

“So you stole,” Tracey giggled, “I didn’t take you for a rouge. A thief. A—”

“NOOO!” screamed Dose, “I didn’t know! I didn’t know! You have to believe me!”

She started panting and stomping her feet.

Juan shook his head, “Great and now I’m an accessory to the crime If I don’t report it! How could you put me in this situation! I’ll have to fill out the theft form and submit it to the rules board. From the rules board I’ll appeal it and itt’le go to the appellate circuit which only comes around every other decade, and it’s another decade so I’ll have to wait in a cell until then but…”

He started heaving in deep breaths and walking in a circle.

Tracey was smiling still, but rolled her eyes, “Juan. Who is on the fraud board?”

Juan stopped pacing and looked at her, “Well…Dose said the paper work was too boring, and you said quote,” here Tracey mouthed the words with him, “The only thing worse than being governed is the idea that I’d ever do the government the honor of being on one of its boards unquote.”

“Amen. I’m eloquent as hell. So who’s on the board?”

“Well…I guess that just leaves...me!”

“So if you report it to the board, then that means that you’ve completely incriminated the whole board!”

“Oh GOD!” wailed Dose. Tracey looked over, unsure if she was onboard with her plan, but it seemed to be working up Juan anyways, so she didn’t stop it.

“Oh no you’re right!” said Juan.

“And think of all the good you’ve done! Now never to be able to be done again…”Tracey placed the back of her hand against her forehead and looked towards the celling, “all those projects like the…the…”

“The optimal breath pamphlets!” said Juan.

“The optimal breath pamphlets!” echoed Tracey, “Who else can tell us on how best to breathe!”

Dose, also wanting to participate piped up, “Wait, Tracey you HATED all the things he tried to do. You called them stupid and,” she lowered her voice and tilted her head forward like telling a secret, “you said you’d rather have a foot fetishist nut on your feet than listen to even the spirit of one of his rules.”

Tracey’s face looked like she couldn’t decide if she was going to go outside and bathe in Lamby’s blood in front of Dose or laugh herself to death.

Juan’s brow knit, “Yeah, why are you suddenly a huge fan?”

“W-well. That’s. Just. You see. I just wanted to. Hm. Yes ok. Yeah I was. YES ok.”

The other two looked worried and peered at her skeptically.

“See, If I were able to run this place, Dose wouldn’t stop me!”

Dose perked up at the sound of her name, “She’s right! I would just go along with what she said!”

Tracey pointed at her, “And that right there is why you can’t report it. If we lose YOU Juan, our only sense of right and wrong,” Juan straightened his stance, and puffed his chest a little when she spoke, “ Then we’re all going to die and fail to found New Spainland!”

Juan was deep in thought. His face in a righteous and pensive frown, “Yes…I suppose you’re right. There would be more harm done by penalizing me than not. I’ll bury this one.”

Tracey gave a cheesy smile, “My hero”


	5. 6.

Snip.

“Mozell!”

Juan stepped back and admired their work, “A brand-spankin’-new chapel, and thirty percent faster than I had thought we’d build it too.”

“Don’t you say that after everything we build?” Tracey was nonplussed.

“Yay!” Dose was overjoyed, as usual.

“Well yes,” Juan conceded, “but I like to plan for the worse-case scenario.”

“You could’ve made it even faster if you’d bought some materials from me…” Co said with his forked tongue.

As one and at once the others turned to him with a chorus of harassments, “You get the hell outta here! Fuck you, you piece of shit! I’ve had shit stains more significant than you! Shut the fuck up you cuck! Co your mother is disappointed she didn’t swallow you!”

He sulked away.

“He’s just” Tracey paused, “It looks like he should be crawling around on all fours ya’ know?”

The others laughed and nodded. They stood around waiting.

Juan, “well? What are you all waiting for?”

“isn’t the man o’ the cloth comin’ today?” said Tracey.

Says cut off Juan’s breath in to answer her, “Well, technically he’s going to be a monk. And I really don’t think it’s any of your business. You really should be focused on working instead of what and who is going—”

“Shut up Says” said Tracey.

“I will not be shut up by you and I’ll have to repo—”

“Says, if you keep talking I’ll come over there and you wont like that.”

Says huffed and said, “What are you talking about? You won’t do anything and frankly I don’t think,” Tracey started to walk up to him, “y-you should be,” she got right up in his face, “ a-a-addressing a,” she cocked an eyebrow, “superior—” and kicked him in the groin. He crumpled to the ground face down. Tracey walked away with arms and hands up, middle fingers raised.

“Hey Says?” Dose said softly.

“yurfs?” came his grass-muffled reply.

“I’m not saying she was wrong to do that, cause honestly I’ve imagined doing that to you a lot, but are you alright?”

“Yurfs.” Echoed his mouth.

“ok good,” she looked at Juan, “So when is the monk coming?”

Juan looked through his notes. They were all nailed to a piece of plywood he’d cut real thin to help him carry them all together, “mmmmm about four days, but we won’t wanna bother him when he gets in that night so just call it five. “

“well,” Dose scratched her forehead, “do you wanna make it nice for him?”

Cuantro shrugged and looked at Juan. Juan shrugged and looked at Cuantro.


	6. 7.

The next day Dose was inconsolable, “Water we gunna DO for four days?”

“I’ve got a project I’ve been eyeing up…” Juan looked over their small village. There was lazy smoke sauntering slowly skyward over the four or five houses, with the two mills standing across from each other. The gentle breeze in between them (Dose believed the wind from one would help spin the other) and the blossoming buds from their farms. They had built a sturdy mining camp for stone, a lanky lumber camp for…lumber…, and the market where the pig, Co, resided. Speak of the devil,

“Juan! Juan!” Co came huffing up, out of breath by the time he had walked even a short distance.

Everyone rolled their eyes and waited for the sow to catch his breath. The inevitable oinking to follow.

“Juan I deMAND we start building a barracks and recruiting an army. We cannot defend ourselves otherwise!”

Juan frowned, “Wouldn’t we just build a wall then? And we haven’t seen anyone else yet, let alone been attacked by anyone.”

Dose’s eyes bugged, but she didn’t say anything.

“Well, I have a right to my business and the right to defend it—”

Juan, “What the fuck are you talking about.”

“Can I just do my own thing? I want to build a barracks.”

Juan was quiet for a moment, “Oooook.” He drug it out as he tried to become ok with the idea, “But you can’t recruit anyone without asking the funds committee for the money. You’re still apart of our collective.”

“I would never use funds without asking first, and who is on it by the way? I had submitted my application weeks ago but never heard back…”

Juan leafed through his notes, “Well, we couldn’t admit you because of your running the market. That would be too large of a conflict of interest, of course you understand, and Dose doesn’t like numbers, Tracey said she’d rather, “ Here Tracey mouthed the words along with him, Juan reciting the lines off of a note card he’d pinned to the clipboard, “The allocation of funds to anything besides directly to the people is an unjust use and I would rather shit my prolapsed intestinal tract then assist in the organization of such a program” Juan took a heaving breath in and looked at Tracey, “what, is prolapse your word of the day or something?”

Tracey shrugged, “It has a unique sorta punch that other phrases…lack.”

Juan rolled his eyes, “And Cuantro doesn’t wanna spend any time on anything that isn’t sinning or performing, Says is an asshole so we rejected him from the board—"

“which leaves you alone to run the board,” finished Co.

“Yeah! I guess so”

“Splendid.” Co slunk off and laid the plans for the barracks, placed right next to his market to minimize the amount of walking he’d have to do in order to get to the work site.

“alright, now that he’s fucked off, we can get back to my project. We’re going to progress to the next age!”

Juan pumped his fist into the air, but there was no thunderous applause.

“What in the fuck does that mean?” Groaned Tracey.

“Well, I just received this note from HB (that’s what he called home base) which outlines what we need to do in order for them to official recognize us as a new colony!”

Dose piped up, “Aren’t we already a colony?”

“Well, technically we are a township not a colony. We first make sure to build everything they require, then afterwards we’ll get sent the new deed and then we can keep being registered as more official and larger communities the more we grow! It will also increase who we can request be sent over yadda yadda yadda.”

Tracey, “Ya’ I think this is a good idea.”

Dose looked scared at Tracey, “Are you being sarcastic right now? Or is this a joke? You NEVER agree with Juan.”

“no no, honestly I agree. I think we need some new Ideas up in here. I need someone else who gets my plight.”

“Well what does it matter Tracey,” Juan spoke with a knavish grin, “I thought we were all just in some book anyways, so it doesn’t matter.”

Tracey tossed her hair, “Well I just think the plot is getting a little boring with a bunch of assholes around the hero.”

“and the hero is,” Juan trailed off,

Tracey picked up where he left off, nodding her head, “oh it’s me of course. I’m the most interesting.”


	7. 8.

The next day, Juan and Tracey were butchering a boar they’d lured into the town, when Dose came out. She patted the pink head of Lamby who brayed softly in thanks. It was now the day before the day before the monk was due to arrive, and she’d been checking on the injured scout more than necessary.

“Ichangedhisbandagesagain, doyouthinkthatwastherightcall? causeImeanIthinktheyneededtochange, butIdon’tknowcauseI’mnotahealthprofessional, likeheissothatcouldbethewrongthingtodobut—“

“Jesus Dose take a second to breathe” Tracey laughed.

“Yeah Dose whats up?” said Juan.

“It’s just…I don’t want him to die. Like, what if the monk comes and he says like, ‘oh he would’ve been fine if you just did ___ or something like that?” Dose started to chew on her thumbnail, but since she’d already done doing that, she gnawed on her cuticle.

“Don’t worry Dose, you did everything you could,” Juan put his arm softly around her, “There isn’t anyone here who could’ve done anything better than you have.”

“I guess so…It’s just,” she frowned, “I don’t know. This is my thing, ya’ know? Juan you’re the leader, Co is the market dude, Tracey you’re the gloomy one, and I’m the medic. It’s my job I’m in charge of the healing here. If I fuck it up that means that I couldn’t even handle one thing.”

Tracey made a face and looked away.

Juan put his hands on Dose’s shoulders and looked her dead in the eyes, “hey listen. We each have a job here, and we know we’re doing our best at each of our individual tasks. It’s easy to look at every little thing wrong with everything you’ve done, but to the rest of us, it’s still awe inspiring.”

Dose’s eyes got a little misty as she pulled Juan into a hug.


	8. 9.

Juan and Tracey were walking out to fish the next day, Dose had volunteered to build an outpost with Cuantro, (I could not think of a single reason! Why I would ever deny, an afternoon with my sweet friend Dose, and build an outpost high!)(His words) and stopped on top of a small hill. They saw everyone moving like little ants beneath them, moving in synchronistic rhythm. The distant pounding of hammers against nails between winds’ breaths kept the time for a softly hooting owl. The earth itself seemed to hum along with everything tickling upon its crust of a skin, the birds tweeting and chirping when they could get a word in edgewise against the owl.

Juan took in a deep breath as he took in the sight before him. Tracey was busy glowering at the sky, as if she thought “the person reading their story” would peek their eye through a seam in reality like looking through a keyhole. But she spied no peeper. Disappointed, her eyes fell to Co. He’d outlined the foundations for his barracks and had burnt the grass beneath it to a cinder. Tracey’s eye caught Juan panning around their home likewise, and then become crestfallen at the sight of Co.

“I just wish,” He stuck his hand out and waved it around while thinking, “I just don’t like how he burns away all the plants.”

“It is most definitely supercilious”

“I showed him how to transplant the greenery and everything, he just doesn’t seem to care”

“I cannot find any single issue with that statement you’ve put forth in such a tone that—”

“Tracey what the fuck. I’m upset and this isn’t helping. What are you doing.”

Tracey looked down, “Right, sorry. It’s just, I’m trying to break up my normal cadence. A book would never let a tone shift really harshly from the main character, so I’m trying to make sure I keep shifting my tone. “

Juan rolled his eyes, “alright whatever you say. Come on, lets take off our sandals so they don’t get sandy.”

They threw their shoes and Juan’s nailed-board (His new word for it, which lead to many jokes about “getting nailed” and the like, I’m sure you of all people understand.) and Tracey’s notes on a rock, wading into some ankle-high with their nets.

Tracey felt a little bad about taking the wind out of Juan’s sails, “So what were you saying about that idiot?”

Juan cast the net out and let it settle for a second before heaving it back in. His hair mirroring the movements of the net, “I don’t know. It feels like ever since Co has gotten here, he’s set us all on edge. Ya’ know he submitted an idea to build a second market to “meet market demand”? We barely ever use his market, and even when we do it’s because he was whining about how little money he’s made. Like is someone charging rent? Am I taking a tax I’m unaware of? We work, we eat, we sleep, we talk” he paused for a second and looked out of the corner of his eyes, “we fuck,” Tracey rolled her eyes, “ but he’s making us play like…like some…some, game? Competition? Whatever. He just plans on winning, or—or,”

Tracey nodded her head, “Just making the rest of us lose.”

“Right? And Cuantro hasn’t said anything to me that isn’t in a song, the fuck is that about? Is it some kind of disorder? Does he need help?” Juan sighed and placed his hands on his hips, looking out over the gentle rolling hills of water.

“And Dose is stressing out about the Scout. I don’t even know if what I said to her was righ—"

Tracey sneezed

Juan sighed, “Right. Sorry. You don’t care about me or my non-gloomy lifestyle, right?”

Juan looked over. Tracey was staring daggers into the water. They fished for the rest of the day in silence.


End file.
